It’s Really All About ‘Glue’. | 35Chronicle

black & white, candid, people, personal, photography, portraits

They Know I Can’t Be Easy!


Not oddly, around this time of year – I usually take a break from photography and January is never a month where I post a huge amount of material; I don’t write too much either as you may or may not have noticed. There are, historically for me, good reasons as to why this is the case. First off – for at least one month of the year, I need to clear my head of photography; to give myself some headspace enough to let new ideas and thoughts in. Not only does this allow me to rethink what I want to achieve but it also helps me from getting stuck in any creative rut. Call it a mental (early) spring clean, if you will. What helps me to choose this time of year for my annual hiatus, is the cold, the grey, the damp and the grubbiness of winter, here. It’s really not all that pretty unless I was – well, somewhere else more photogenic at this time of the year. Still, can’t be helped. This time around though, we’re in a Tier 4 ‘lockdown’ and the restrictions are plenty. The phrase “you should get out more” has never been more applicable than now. I would love the chance to travel unnecessarily. But, there’s something else.

I | From the Family Vault: Angela & Granddaughter, Paisley.

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Since October, after a little bit of a meltdown during autumn last year, I’ve remained at home and have not been to work. The traumas I suffered at work near the end of April two years ago, have come back to taunt me. Whilst concentrations on my physical recovery were (and remain) thorough, I discovered last year that distraction techniques are not the most effective way of dealing with the psychology of almost losing one’s life. No, I do not exaggerate. After I woke early one afternoon after a nightshift, I discovered that my bladder wasn’t the cause of my increased consciousness (as it usually can be) but instead, it was the nightmare which had me coming to, and to find that my pillow was soaked with my own tears. I finished my run of nights, gave it another few weeks and caved in. Time to have a chat with my boss, I think. I was devastated; almost ashamed that I knew I needed help.

II | Flynn by Firelight [Kindle Fire, That Is!]

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It’s normal, in fact – it’s actually good to feel like we can cope with everything yet conversely, it’s a real and savage kick to our personal pride when we suddenly realise that something has beaten us. And this, for a while, had beaten me. But, I am fortunate and moreso than so many intrusive thoughts let me even realise for so long. For the last four months I have been undergoing CBT and tackling things head-on for the first time since it happened and, though I did have CBT which started just a few months after the initial incident, I realise now that it was far too soon to have undertaken it. Hindsight has taught me very well that it served very little purpose to me during a physical recovery. This time around though, I really feel like I am continuing to make positive headway and I have a renewed perspective which is the reason for this post. I’m more lucky than I have ever known; not only for the patience of my employer, the expertise and compassions of the one known as ‘Isla’ – but also, especially, for my family.

III | One Corby-J [A Spotify-Master!]

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The constrictions placed upon so many of us around the world over the last year or so are still apparent and, are still constricting. These imposed reigns make it so much more important to appreciate who and what we have and the once more frequent times of excitement and changes of scenery have been replaced with more time at home and far more reality than most of us have ever had to contend with. But these realities are just that – and they are the glue that holds all of those previously called wonderful moments together. These are the wonderful moments now – having more time with my family when I most need them. Give me more ‘normal’. Give me more ‘home’. Give me more of this. I’ll be back to work soon enough and I’ll miss all this time we’ve had. They should probably know it!

In closing, this is a further heartfelt thank you to those around me, helping me through it all no matter how hard it’s got, or how difficult I have been, I really do only have words and … pictures. (You may remember back in January last year, I introduced my family, well, from the vault, here they are again. They too should be taking a virtual bow right now for who they are and what they’ve done. They know I can’t be easy.)

IV | Paisley – Far Cuter than her Buttons!

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[All Frames: Canon 5D III | EF 50mm 1.4 Except [III] Nikon D610 | Sigma Art 24-105mm]

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